Oh hey, so you remember how we first met? Oh come on you know.

At recess? First grade? I was playing "house", well ok, a deranged version.....but you came up and were all "What ARE you doing..?" Then next thing you know, we were seated next to each other in class. By the end of the year you and I were starting to actually get along.

Oh hahahaha, and remember how in third grade you could not stand Alyssa's guts? And vice versa? I had the hardest time trying to keep both of you happy. Then of course we didn't have fourth grade together...which was sad at the time. You know, if you hadn't switched over into my class in 5th grade we might not have gotten close at all.

That was awesome. I remember that was the year that you actually started to say to me "Why are you taking all this crap? FIGHT BACK!" and taught me how to defend myself. We hung out soooo much that year. Of course Eric hung out with us too. I mean, I only had you two as friends in that class. We really became good friends that year. In some ways it was a crucial year in our friendship. I grew emotionally that year in many different ways, and you were right alongside me. Protecting me at times even. OH YEAH, like that boy who shoved me in the snow and was just standing there, smirking and waiting for me to cry. You just came right up and shoved him face down in the snow. I remember thinking (as you were yelling "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT HUH??") how much I wanted to be like that. Just say my feelings, yell back, do something drastic. Make it so no one would shove me again.

That scene caused me to kick Kyle Leffler in the butt the next day as he was teasing me and my other friends. He never bothered me again.

Middle school....ah, the years where a boy and a girl being close suddenly and automatically meant they were going out. Remember how we said we were cousins? Distant ones, but omg, that would be GROSS if we were DATING! I couldn't believe it actually worked! No one bothered us about that anymore. I also remember the multiple fights we had during that time. Wasn't it like twice a week it'd be over something petty and then the next day we'd forgive each other for like the zillionth time? I think we only had like two major fights. The one time I hung up on you....twice. You tried to call me back and yell at me again remember? I just hung up the phone and didn't answer it when you tried to call again. I know it was over something in math...but what I can't recall.

Oh and then I met Laura in sixth grade. My first real close friend that was actually a girl. Remember how in seventh grade you got jealous and were all "OMG, no. I am your best friend!! You can't have two!!" Then after reminding you of all the things girls do together, you just replied with "Well...ok. She's your female best friend. I'm the male best friend. THAT'S IT." I just kinda laughed and let you mumble about it. Remember when I lost my Grandma in sixth and you stayed on the phone with me even though all I did was cry? The next day you staunchly stayed by my side and made sure to keep everyone else away. You knew I wanted to be alone. I knew you were there for me.

Elementary through Middle school for us were the greatest ya know? We hung out constantly, pretended to play James Bond, messed around in your neighborhood....oh and the times when we'd pick, crawl and climb our way through your neighbor's yards when messing around with my new walkie talkies. All those times we made up fantastic stories, cooked/baked, had sleepovers, you name it, it helped me be not so ADD.

Of course in 8th grade we didn't see each other much. But that just made it clear to me that as we got older, spending so much time together wasn't that great of an idea. Since we both had strong personalities, there tended to be negative friction if we hung out a lot in a short period of time. Oh and hahahaha!! Remember, do you remember when we dated for 5 minutes? We thought, oh why not give it a shot? Then just a short bit later we just said "Uh...no. This is just a very bad idea. NO." That was also the year I had my first major crush. When it ended badly you were there to threaten to beat him up. Then there was the back brace. Oh joys....yeah lets just leave it at that shall we?

Of course we had our bad moments.....who didn't? You wanted to be popular and I didn't care about being popular. Yeah, I cried everytime you treated me badly just to impress the populars. It didn't last though. Eventually you came to me and we both apologized for things we had said and done. Plus those times when you'd say we'd get together and then we didn't? Yeah that hurt. But we always said, fighting only made our friendship stronger. We knew that we couldn't bullshit each other. You and I could say "Hey, you're making me mad." without worry.

Highschool was hard for both of us. I had to deal with two back surgeries and deal with the harassment from my peers and teachers when I was sick all that time. You had your own reasons. I sometimes still feel regret that I didn't make you say something. Anything, anything at all to make him stop. I wanted to just say out loud to your parents "You don't even care what he's doing to him do you? Your little "golden boy"? He has issues, major ones that are hurting my friend!" But of course I never did....and I realize now that I couldn't have done anything. I still regret things, but you wouldn't have wanted me to say anything either. Cuz it was family..and family stuck together even if one of them was "Satan's Spawn." Remember how we got into that fight in Sophmore year? The one were we didn't talk for two months? Andrew really wanted to kick your ass for making me cry.

Oh and Andrew. I became friends with him and all of a sudden you reminded me, yet again, of the best friends thing....Remember how you guys worked everything out by playing DDR? I loved it. My two guys were getting along. It made me so happy and I knew you knew how happy I was.

So many good memories.....so much I can't even remember it all. I mean, even in the last few years there were really fun times.

But I know there are things you don't remember from these last couple years.....actually you never knew about.

You never knew how I could see the depression taking away my good friend. You never knew that I eventually couldn't tell the difference between when you were putting on an act and when you were actually being yourself. That eventually I started questioning whether or not it wasn't all an act.

You never saw me cry over the times when you never called, when you'd say "Oh I'm coming home this weekend, we are SO getting together. I miss you." Or the times when you'd promise you'd get ahold of me in an hour and then you never did. All of the anger when you'd ignore my calls, my texts....yet if I ignored you, oh was there hell to pay. It became all about what was good for you. You NEVER knew how scared I was when you got in that car crash or when you acted so recklessly after you broke up with you-know-who. Or the time when Andrew and I set up a birthday bash for you.

Nothing to crazy, just us, a few movies, video games.....I mean, Andrew didn't even plan most of it. He just said he'd help out when I told him my plans.....and you skipped it all to go to some guy's party at his house. Some person you only met the day before. 

Or how about the time you skipped Thanksgiving when you promised me you'd be there. Do you know how embarrassed I was? My family was expecting to see this amazing friend of mine and did he show? Oh, what? I shouldn't have told them about you? Was it my fault I wanted them to meet this person who I thought was such an amazing person? Someone who helped me become who I am today?

You will tell me all you've done for me in the past...but what have you done for me recently hmm? Can you think of ANYTHING? Don't say Kelly's Wedding because that was for her. Not me. Yes you've had to deal with your mother and her relapse. I was praying for her all the time and I was so happy when the doctors said she was better.

In the past two years you always seemed to share the bad and never the good. I was only "worthy" enough to hang out with when you needed to escape your house or you were dealing with some shit from friends. Oh I need to talk and work out my issues with Suzie. Yet....when did I get to enjoy the good side of things? You never called me to just say "OMG you wouldn't believe what I just saw", or even just call to say Hi. I never wanted hour long calls all the time. I just wanted my buddy sometimes.

I can't tell you how you seemed to frighten and worry me at the same time when you'd get just a bit tipsy. Suddenly everything you said sounded like you were in the pits of despair, even if it was just to tell me you were happy that I was doing better.

I am telling you this, crying to you about this because as much as I love you like you were my brother, as much as I care....I can't do this anymore. I'm one of the most important people in your life? Then where the hell have you been. Where the hell have you fricking been? I don't feel like it anymore. Yeah, you need help. You're depressed and any other condition you try to replace it with isn't going to fix anything. Being depressed may be a good excuse.....but it's not a good enough excuse anymore.

It doesn't give you the right to treat me like shit. It doesn't give you the right to act as though I'm all high and mighty and in no way does it give you the F***ing right to tell lies to others about me. Oh, I like you do I? No offense, but you're kinda short for me and that really doesn't turn me on. My mother is too judgemental? That's because you can't take a damn joke and dear lord you can't be wrong ever can you?

I want to be your friend for the rest of our lives. But right now.....you need to back off until you can tell me you're getting help. Until you can sincerely apologize to me and tell me how wrong it was that you treated me like this. If this was all an act and you really were just using me....then just leave and I won't ever have to know.

For the last time....I love you. I care about you and my heart hurts right now as I say this. I want to ignore it all and just go on with life, but....that wouldn't be right. And even though it sounds odd to say this now....I probably shouldn't anyway.....don't hate me for standing up for myself. Because you were the one that said to me "If you don't say anything, do anything....they'll never know and walk all over you." 

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